


synchronicity

by hamartiawrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009!phan, 2012!Phan, Angst, Break Up, Car Accidents, Character Death, Established Relationship, Fluff, Getting Back Together, M/M, Suicide, Timelines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-07-27 06:26:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7607326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamartiawrites/pseuds/hamartiawrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Synchronicity</b> is a concept which holds that events are "meaningful coincidences" if they occur with no casual relationship, yet seem to be meaningfully related.</p>
            </blockquote>





	synchronicity

The ground is damp from last night's rain, grass splattering little droplets of water onto Phil's shoes. They're shining, looking as good as new, and if Phil can squint he can see his reflection.

Not far from where he is, Phil is certain he can hear the sound of phone calls and car horns, and with a flash he remembers Dan's groan of frustration and his adorable little glare at the window as he moves to pause the video he's taking. It happens more to him than it does to Phil, which, Dan declares, is an outrage in itself. 

Phil glances at his wristwatch - the accessory is brand new, bought specifically for this occasion, sitting on his wrist proudly and catching the sun's light ever so often. 

With a proud grin, Phil realizes he's right on schedule, and he shoves his hands in his pockets, fancy shoes hitting the pavement instead of grass as Phil takes a leisurely walk down memory lane. 

In his mind, Phil can almost see Dan rolling his eyes at his terrible pun.

* * *

Phil's halfway through talking about his brother's latest girlfriend when he notices that Dan's falling asleep. 

The last Phil remembers, Dan's head had been resting on his left hand, an affectionate smile on his face as he had urged Phil to continue with his story, but now his brown eyes are hidden behind his eyelids, his mouth slightly agape and Phil can almost hear the soft snores coming through his mouth. 

It makes him wish all the more that he's there with Dan. 

"Dan?" Phil mutters softly, knowing that his normal voice would possibly shock Dan - and Phil doesn't really think giving your boyfriend a heart attack is a good idea - and Dan stirs, eyes blinking blearily at the image of Phil looking at him worriedly, and shakes his head, sitting straight up and already apologizing for falling asleep. 

Normal people, Phil knows, should have gotten offended, but this is Phil, and although they're miles away from each other and the video call image isn't that clear, Phil knows that there are definitely dark circles under Dan's eyes from not being able to sleep in a long time, and he knows he can at least try to help Dan out. 

"Go to sleep, Dan, you look tired." Phil smiles, and he knows he's right in saying so because Dan doesn't even argue, just gives out a little yawn and gives Phil an apologetic smile. 

"I'm sorry." Dan says, and Phil can hear the exhaustion in Dan's voice now that the younger's stopped trying to hide it. "It's just, things were busy yesterday and -" 

"You don't have to apologize." Phil interjects. "Just go to sleep, alright? You need it." 

"Okay." Dan agrees, nodding his head and shifting his position so that he can easily shut down his laptop after Phil hands up. "Tomorrow, then?" 

"Of course. Text me when you're up for it." Phil reminds him, even if they've done this for so long that he's pretty sure it's ingrained in Dan's mind by now. "And I'll know if you're lying, so don't even try." 

Dan laughs at that. "Okay, I promise. Good night, Phil." 

"'Night, Dan." Phil smiles, moving to press the button that will end their call when he hears it. 

"I love you." 

It's soft, and sort of shy, but it makes Phil pause nonetheless. He looks back up at the screen to see a blushing Dan, clutching at the hem of his shirt nervously, his brown eyes moving, possibly searching for any sort of clue on Phil's face that will tell him how the older feels about it, because this is the first time Dan has ever said I love you. 

It's the first time either of them have said I love you. 

"I-" Phil stutters, and he's pretty sure he's blushing as hard as Dan now, and then he continues, saying, "I love you too, Dan." because he does love Dan, and the realization that he can say it now that Dan's said it makes him grin widely. 

"Really?" Dan's voice comes through the speaker, soft and frightened and vulnerable, and in that moment Phil swears he'll do everything and anything to protect Dan. 

"Yeah." Phil nods, and both he and Dan know it's enough confirmation for them, that Phil's declaration of his love isn't something he's done just because Dan had initiated it. 

Dan gives Phil one last lingering smile before Phil finally presses the button and sinks back into the pillows of his bed. From his right, the buzz of a phone notification goes off, and Phil makes a mad grab for it. 

The brightness of his phone almost blinds Phil after being used to the darkness and nothing but the soft light of his laptop for a few hours, but Phil can't help but smile at the message that's displayed on his lock screen. 

_'From: Dan_

_i actually am gonna sleep now talk to you tomorrow :3'_

And then, a few seconds later: 

_'love you <3'_

In any other occasion, Phil would have answered immediately to Dan's text, but he takes the moment to cherish the fact that it seems that Dan's little Skype confession certainly won't be the last he'll see of those three words, and he takes a screenshot before sending a text back to Dan ( _'sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite, & i love you too <3'_). 

The last thing Phil thinks about before falling asleep is that maybe he should frame said screenshot so that before he sleeps and as soon as he wakes up, he remembers that Monday morning at 12:51 AM when Dan finally grew comfortable enough to tell Phil he loved him.

* * *

London has always been busy, but Phil has never stopped to notice it that much before. 

Every time he goes to town, there will always be Dan, his presence and constant comments on literally about everything amusing Phil so much that sometimes he forgets what he was doing outside. 

On the rare times that he goes alone, Phil's phone will never be void of Dan's text messages, most of them making no sense, obviously just text messages Dan sends because he wants Phil to come back home. 

Phil finds those the most endearing. 

Even now, as his phone is miraculously void of the constant buzz of text messages, Phil finds Dan's voice lingering in his mind, his laugh all that Phil can hear when he walks past a shop that they had found to have a particularly funny display, and if Phil closes his eyes he can picture the way Dan stares at something he wants, his brown eyes turning to Phil with that childlike glee. 

Another glance at his watch tells Phil he doesn't have time to slow down and buy a trinket or two that Dan has stared at from beyond a window. 

Phil's pace quickens, and he blends in naturally with the busy people walking by.

* * *

Phil hears Dan before he sees him. 

As soon as the train that Dan was on had rolled into the station, Phil had immediately stood up and ventured into the swarm of business people and tourists, on the lookout for the mop of brown hair that was Dan's. It proves to be a challenge, seeing as Phil also has to think about apologizing to the dozen people he's bumped into and avoiding the surprisingly sharp shoulders of older, busier people.

After a few minutes of searching and finding nothing, Phil considers calling out for Dan's name, worrying that the boy's got himself lost but as soon as he cups his hands around his mouth, he feels a weight collide into him and there are two arms around his waist and before Phil can protest there's the sound of laughter that he's heard too many times to forget easily and he turns around and there is Dan, in all his awkward, gangly, shy glory with a grin on his face and a blush on his cheeks that's just so adorable that Phil can't help but kiss him, even if he's mentally prepared himself to take it slow because for God's sake, Dan's just eighteen and he might change his opinion on Phil after seeing him for the first time in real life.

But apparently, Phil has yet to understand Dan (he doesn't worry, they'll surely have plenty of time to know each other better than they know themselves) because the younger male is kissing back with the same urgency and want and they don't need words to tell the other how happy they are that they're finally together, that there isn't a screen and a thousand miles between them, and that they don't have to rely on imagination anymore, now Phil knows what it feels like to have Dan's lips on his, his hand intertwined with Dan's and yes, they're impractical, kissing in the middle of a crowd of people, blocking the way for people who urgently have somewhere to be, but they've never been practical, anyway - they met on the Internet, for crying out loud. 

"I should probably tell my mum I found you already." Dan murmurs, breathless and eyes still gleaming from their kiss. 

"Yeah. Wouldn't want her to worry." Phil agrees, and guides Dan through the crowd so they can rest against one of the walls while Dan tells his mum he's fine and he's found Phil.

"Did you get something to eat already?" Phil asks Dan as soon as he puts the phone down. 

Dan sends Phil a look. "Does it look like I could have eaten something? Really, Phil?" he laughs, and Phil laughs too, remembering the way he could practically sense Dan's excitement over the day on text. 

He can still see it in Dan's eyes, and Phil decides that there's never been anything more beautiful than the expressions that Dan's eyes can give. 

"Well, come on then. I'm not letting my guest starve to death." Phil grins, intertwining Dan's hand with his. Dan grins in response, allowing himself to be dragged along by Phil, allows himself to tilt his head in confusion at the look of accomplishment on his face. 

"What are you thinking about?" Dan asks. 

"Huh?" Phil is taken aback, but he realizes he must have looked strange, thinking about something silly when he's supposed to be enjoying his first proper date with his boyfriend. "Oh, nothing, just a silly coincidence." 

Dan nods, reminding himself to ask Phil about it later, when they're back at his home and curled up next to each other on his bed, but he's Dan and he's with Phil, so naturally, he forgets. 

Phil, however, does not forget the way his eyes had caught the clock displaying 12:51 PM before he had pressed his lips against Dan's.

* * *

It's weird, to see your face displayed in a shop, but Phil's found that he's gotten quite used to it. 

Seeing The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire on display in bookstores had come as a shock to both him and Dan, he remembers as he pauses in front of the very same bookstore now. He remembers the way Dan had paused as they walked along hand in hand, and he remembers the suppressed squeal that Dan had sounded before Phil had turned to see what he was so excited about. 

"It's actually out there, Phil. It's actually real. It's out there. Forever." Dan had said, as if the only way for him to believe that it was real was to say it out loud, and even then he didn't look like he believed it. 

Phil had chuckled, giving Dan a sideways hug as they continued to stare at their book on display. "Yep, everything we've ever done is finally out. No more secrets." 

Dan had spared him a glance. "All except one." 

Phil had felt Dan grow tense, and he had sighed, turning Dan so they were facing each other and he had held Dan's hand in his, looking straight into his eyes as he said, "Don't worry about it. We'll be able to fix that little issue soon, alright?" 

"Alright." Dan had smiled.

Phil's gaze lingers on Dan's signature smirk, and he smiles to himself before pushing his hands into his pockets and continuing his walk. 

He is running on a schedule, after all. He'd dread to be late.

* * *

"That's the last of it." Phil declares as he shuts the door to their office, a proud grin on his face. "We've officially moved into our new flat!" 

"At least I can say I've done something productive today." Dan says from where he's sat on one of the stairs, and Phil grins and takes the steps down to the front of their lounge door. 

"We should celebrate, you know!" Phil exclaims. 

Dan raises an eyebrow at him, but Phil can see the amused smile that Dan tries to hide. "Celebrate officially moving in months after we actually moved in? What, do you want to give our subscribers another reason to bully us." he points out. 

"It'll be fun!" Phil exclaims. "We could buy a cake, probably some non-alcoholic beverages, maybe a party hat or two! It'll be like our own party with our subscribers!" 

"Phil, we'll be the only two people present at this party." Dan tries to reason, but Phil's already forming a whole new plan in his head. 

He grins at Dan from where he's standing near the sofa, clutching his phone in his hand and already typing out a tweet to send to their followers. "We could do it tonight during my live show! That way they can join it - wait, let me tweet -" 

Phil doesn't finish his sentence, instead looking at his hands in shock, the phone that was occupying them now in Dan's hand, seeing as as soon as Phil had mentioned the idea of them being in a live show together, Dan had grabbed his phone. 

He doesn't look as if he's going to give it back anytime soon. 

"No." Dan breathes out, as if he's just had a heart attack at Phil's suggestion. "No, Phil, we're not - we're not doing that." 

"Why not?" Phil asks, frowning. "Dan, give me back my phone so I can -" 

"'Why not?'" Dan echoes, looking incredulous as he repeats Phil's apparently stupid question. "'Why not?' Phil, you bloody well know why not!" 

"Dan, it's just a live show!" Phil exclaims, exasperated and tired. "No one's going to know about our relationship just because we're sitting next to each other!" 

"But they get more and more proof that we are hiding something from them!" Dan reasons, and there it is, the scared look in his eyes that Phil's been seeing for the past couple months. 

Phil sighs, his shoulders sagging as he looks up at Dan with a tired expression. "Dan, we've discussed this before. No matter how much proof they think they have, they won't be able to know for sure that we're together unless we come out or kiss on camera or something. You worry too much." 

"That's because you don't worry at all." Dan snaps, and Phil looks up with a frown. 

"Dan, what are you-" 

"If you just deleted that stupid video, we wouldn't even be in this mess in the first place!" Dan shouts, and Phil's phone, which Dan had been holding in one hand, goes flying through the air, miraculously landing on the sofa. 

It's still in one piece, but Phil's heart isn't. 

Of course he knows how much Dan hates him for the video going viral. Of course he knows the trouble that they're in now that people have proof of them kissing and acting like a couple - all from Phil's mouth. Of course he knows it's his fault that he and Dan aren't as close as they were a year ago - aren't as close as they were before that certain video had been unprivated by possibly one of the worst glitches in YouTube history. 

But Phil doesn't need to hear it straight from Dan's mouth, doesn't need to hear how much Dan loathes him for not being the responsible one and for not trying to be a bit more careful about their little secret, doesn't need to hear how much Dan hates the video that, a few years back, had been his favorite thing. 

He doesn't need to see the anger and resentment that Dan gives him whenever it's spoken about, whenever it's in a comment on their videos or in an anonymous ask sent to either of their Tumblrs, because all he can remember is how different it looks to the adoration and love Dan had given him when he had first seen it. 

Tears start to form in Phil's eyes, and for a moment, for a split second, Phil sees a flash of regret come across Dan's face. 

Then Dan is looking at him with a scowl, eyebrows furrowed together as he rolls his eyes. "Stop acting like a child, Phil." he snaps. "It's not my fault we're in this mess." 

"If you're going to break up with me then just do it already." Phil says, his voice cracking, obvious that he's on the verge of tears. 

Dan looks back up at him with resentment, nothing but resentment, and he grabs Phil's phone from the sofa, a smirk making it's way onto his face as it lights up with the time. "Alright, yeah." Dan says, and Phil watches in silence as he comes even closer to Phil. 

"Here." Dan states, grabbing Phil's hand and placing the phone in his palm. Phil looks down at it, and a few stray tears land onto the phone's screen just as it changes to the four digits that Dan knows Phil always thinks about. 

"It's over." Dan says with an air of finality, and then he gives a little chuckle before looking at Phil one last time and then walking out of the room and closing the door behind him with a huge thud. 

Minutes later, Phil hears the front door open and close - Dan's gone out, he realizes, and with his current relationship status, he probably won't be back until the next morning. 

It's funny, Phil thinks to himself, sinking down into the sofa with his phone still clutched in his hand, how much their story is like a movie. He's been told countless times how lucky he is to have Dan, because apparently those sort of love stories only happen in cheesy romantic movies, and Phil had laughed at that because it was true. 

Now he's laughing at himself because it's gone full cycle. 

If this was a movie, then Dan breaking up with Phil would have been the climax. This would have been the part where a few minutes later, Dan would have realized how much he loved Phil and he would have come back home, drunk and asking Phil for forgiveness and saying that he really didn't want to break up with him, and Phil would have accepted, and they would have shared a kiss or two or maybe more. Then they'd wake up in the morning, limbs entangled and feeling the heart beat of the other's next to theirs, and Dan, sober this time, would ask Phil if he would be able to give him one more chance. 

And Phil would say yes. 

But this is reality, and even if Dan comes back home drunk, even if he doesn't move out the next day, he starts to treat Phil like an acquaintance, someone that Dan's only still living with because he can't possibly afford the rent alone. This is reality, where Dan starts to say that the idea of being with Phil in a romantic sense disgusts him, even if a few days before it had been the best thing to happen to him. This is reality, where while Dan drifts off comfortably into sleep, Phil stares wide awake at the empty spot beside him in bed where Dan used to lay and wonders where he went wrong. 

This is reality, where Dan, knowing exactly what the time had meant to Phil and had meant for them, decided to break up with Phil at exactly 12:51.

* * *

"Mummy, Mummy, can we get a puppy, please, Mummy?" 

Phil slows in his walk to watch bemusedly as a little boy, who looks about six or so, tugs on his mother's hand, pointing to a small dog in the window. From what Phil's heard, the little boy wants the small creature, going so far as to using both his hands to try and attempt to drag his mother back into the store. 

It's a futile attempt, and soon the little boy is waving goodbye at the small creature with a frown on his face. 

Phil puts a hand over his mouth, trying to hide the grin that's crawling it's way onto his face. His thoughts go elsewhere, to a certain brunet crouching down and pointing at the same dog in the same window and looking up at Phil with a pout on his lips, even if they both know they can't have a dog in their apartment. 

His thoughts replay a memory of said brunet sighing and standing back up, they repeat the way he looks at Phil and says "Someday." while he looks back down at the dog, and they show to Phil once again the way Dan smiles when Phil agrees and squeezes his hand tight. 

Thor, they were going to name it, Phil remembers. No matter how much Dan would have tried to change it. They would have named it Thor, and Phil knows he would have reasoned that it was a much better name than yet another Susan. 

The dog in the window looks at him, and for a minute it stops wagging its tail, as if sensing that there's something different with the way Phil smiles at him. 

Phil shakes his head, trying to clear himself of his thoughts as he continues his walk. 

He can't be late because of a psychoanalyzing dog, of all reasons. What would Dan say?

* * *

The fireworks have long stopped, and Phil's glad. 

As much as he loves New Year's, and the way different colors light up the night sky, there's only so much one can hear of loud explosions filling the air before getting tired of it. 

For now, he's happy with just listening to the constant buzz of his friends talking in the background and he's okay with the beat of the music resonating beneath his feet. It's calming, for some reason. Phil doesn't know why. 

Out here, in their friend's backyard where surprisingly no one is at, Phil shuffles his feet among the grass and sees a thousand little bugs go flying in the air in panic. He chuckles to himself, watching as they fly off, only to land onto a blade of grass Phil could easily step on - if he wanted to. 

"You having fun?" 

The bugs fly off again, only this time it isn't Phil's fault, and he watches as a pair of black shoes step into the grass beside his, and he looks up to find Dan smiling at him, clutching an empty paper cup in his hand. He isn't drunk, that much Phil can tell, but there's something different about him. 

He shakes it off, offering his best friend a smile. "Just needed a quick change of scenery. Plus it was getting too hot in there." Phil explains. 

Dan nods, and a smile tugs at the corners of his lips. "What would people say, AmazingPhil giving up on social interaction before danisnotonfire?" he teases, and Phil laughs at that. It isn't even that funny a joke, and it's sort of conceited, in a way, but Phil finds it funny because it just says so much about how their subscribers don't know everything about them like they think they do. 

"Well I am tending to this grass." Phil grins, gesturing to the now bug-less green shoots. "Now they don't have to worry about bugs killing them." 

"Of course they don't, Phil. They're dead." Dan deadpans, pointing to Phil's foot. 

"Oh." Phil mutters, lifting his foot to stare at the brown and squished blades of grass that had suffered the weight of his shoe. "Oops?"

Then he hears it. 

Just a few seconds before Dan had been staring at him incredulously, and now he's laughing as if Phil's told him the best joke of all time. Phil wonders, for a moment, if Dan is drunk, but then he takes in the fact that Dan's laughing - and it's because of him. 

A grin appears on Phil's face and he lets out a little chuckle. After a few minutes, it turns into a full blown laugh, and Dan and Phil are leaning against each other, trying to contain their laughter and covering their mouths with their hands. 

"Why are we laughing?" Phil giggles, trying hard not to fall onto the (aforementioned dead) grass. 

"Because you saved the grass by killing it, you spork." Dan giggles. "And it's the New Year and I'm a bit tipsy." 

"I'm glad I could be the reason behind your first laugh this 2014." Phil grins, calming down and properly smiling at Dan. 

Dan smiles back, and Phil can see the happiness shining behind Dan's eyes. It's been a long time since he's seen that look in Dan's eyes before - in fact, it's been a long time since he's looked Dan in the eyes. 

And, Phil realizes, for the first time in 2014, that he misses making Dan smile like that. He misses seeing Dan's affectionate smile, misses the way he'd lean against Phil for comfort back when they were still dating. He misses the way Dan looks at him lovingly, misses the way they both know exactly when to reach for the other's hand and squeeze it gently for comfort. He misses the way Dan's bottom lip would jut out whenever Phil would tease him playfully, misses the way Dan groans and exclaims, "Phil, stop you're ruining my hair!" whenever Phil would ruffle his hair affectionately for no reason. 

A sad smile appears on Phil's face. 

It's 2014 and Phil is still helplessly in love with Dan. 

"Phil?" Dan's eyes are bursting with worry, a hand on Phil's arm as he turns Phil to face him again. "Phil, you're crying." 

Phil brings up a hand to his eyes and realizes that Dan's right as soon as his fingers come into contact with wet tears. "I didn't realize I was." he mutters. 

"You're the reason for my first laugh and I'm the reason for your first tears." Dan mumbles, and Phil's eyes widen, staring at Dan in disbelief as the younger clutches Phil's hand in his. "That's not fair on me." 

"You left me alone, Dan." Phil lets out, voice hoarse, the sad smile on his face reappearing. "How is that fair on me?" 

"It isn't." Dan shakes his head. "I'm an idiot. We both know that." 

"You're the idiot I'm in love with." Phil says, ducking his head away from Dan. "2014 and I still can't change that." 

They're silent after that, both listening to the buzz of the music behind them and the constant beat of their hearts against their chests. Phil's suddenly aware of how Dan's still clutching his hand, how his thumb is running circles over Phil's hand, and most importantly, how he's not pulling away from the interaction. 

"2014 and I'm still regretting 2012." Dan says. "2014 and I don't know how to say sorry to you." 

"You just did." Phil informs him. 

"Sorry isn't going to cut it, Phil." Dan laughs. "I broke your heart, I broke our relationship - heck, I can't even forgive myself." 

"I forgive you, Dan." Phil says, and he's clutching Dan's hand tight, and he looks up to smile reassuringly at him. "I've forgiven you a long time ago." 

"I don't deserve that, you know I don't deserve that." Dan mutters angrily, and Phil can see some tears starting to pool in his eyes, can hear the way Dan tries to hide the crack in his voice. 

So, in a bout of courage, Phil reaches up to cup Dan's cheek, running a thumb over his cheek and lifting Dan's face to level with his. "You deserve love, Dan. You deserve all the love in the world, and I'd give you all the love I have to give in a heartbeat." 

"I still love you." Dan laughs hoarsely, and Phil knows it's because he thinks that he's pathetic. "I still love you and I fucked everything up with our relationship and it fucking hurts just to look at you because I fucked up." 

"We both fucked up." Phil admits. "But I trust you enough to know you're not going to fuck this up." 

Dan is confused, brown eyes frowning at Phil, the latter's hand still cupping Dan's cheek. "Phil, what -?" 

"It's 2014." Phil states, smiling up at Dan shyly. "I haven't had my first kiss for the year yet." 

Dan's eyes widen with realization, and then there's a hint of happiness and excitement as he mutters back to Phil. "What a coincidence, neither have I." 

Phil chuckles. "Don't want our subscribers thinking we're lame, do we?" he smirks at Dan, face getting dangerously close to Dan's. 

"I'd hate for that to happen." Dan whispers, and the next thing Phil knows, Dan's lips are on his, kissing him with an urgency that Phil understands because they've been deprived of these things for more than a year, and they've had time to remember how good the other's lips had felt against their owns. 

One of Phil's hands is running through Dan's hair, and Phil remembers - only for a split second because the sensation of Dan's lips on his is something you should always focus on - times when Dan had been feeling down or just had a bad day in general, remembers the way he would run his fingers through Dan's hair as the younger got the sleep he deserved on his lap, and for once, finally, Phil doesn't have to think about the memory with pain but instead, with an excitement for the days to come. 

Once they pull away, Dan rests his forehead on Phil, out of breath, and Phil is certain he can hear his and Dan's heartbeat beating as one against their chests. 

Then suddenly, Dan pulls apart, and Phil watches, a frown on his face and confusion in his eyes as Dan fishes around for something in his pocket, eventually ending up with his phone in his hand. 

Dan laughs, the music sweet sound to Phil's ears as the phone light illuminates Dan's face and suddenly Phil finds himself squinting because Dan's shoved the phone under his face, but then he laughs as well because oh my God, they could not get any less sappy than this. 

"We're the lamest couple in the whole world, oh my God." Dan giggles, shaking his head as he falls onto Phil's shoulder, and Phil wraps an arm around Dan's waist, pressing a kiss to the top of Dan's head because he can, for the first time in what had felt like forever, he can finally call Dan his.

And although it's too early to tell, Phil knows that he'll love 2014. 

51 minutes into the New Year and Dan and Phil are already back in each other's arms. 

And this time, Phil thinks, smiling at Dan as the younger looks up at him with that look of affection he's honestly missed, they're never letting go.

* * *

They've never liked stairs, Phil realizes. To Dan and Phil, stairs might as well have been a one way ticket to death. 

"It's the only thing that keeps us fit, you've got to admit." Dan had once mumbled from where his face was buried in a sofa cushion after they had climbed said stairs after a long, tiring day. 

However, Dan had miraculously found the strength to throw a their Bulbosaur plushie at Phil's head once Phil had mentioned that he was pretty sure sex burned calories, too. 

The thought fills Phil's head, and he finds himself smiling as he climbs a flight of metal stairs alone. The atmosphere is cold, and Phil finds himself wrapping his arms around him to try and give himself a little bit of heat. 

Climbing stairs isn't fun, it never has been, but it seems to be all worth it as soon as Phil is met with a metal door at the end of the stairs. 

As Phil pushes the door open and is met with bright light, he looks down at his wristwatch. 

He's right on time.

* * *

"Have a nice day!" the girl from behind the counter calls, and Phil offers her one last smile before pocketing his purchase and stepping into the crowd of people walking through London's streets. 

He gets into a taxi, a smile on his face as he gives the driver his address. He looks down at the watch on his wrist, smile growing even more as he realizes he's right on schedule. 

There's a buzz from his right pocket - his phone, Phil realizes as he fishes it out of the pocket. 

Louise is calling, he realizes with a frown as he accepts the call. Normally, he wouldn't have opposed to the idea of Louise calling him, but she's supposed to be out with Dan at the moment, distracting him as part of their plan. 

"Louise, hey, I'm just on the way back from the shop, could you keep Dan away from the apartment for a few more minutes? I promise I'll be quick." he says immediately, not wanting the surprise to be ruined. 

"Phil." Louise sobs out, and Phil freezes, focusing on the way Louise sounds like she's witnessed the worst thing. "Phil, Phil, it's Dan." 

All the color drains from Phil's face and he tries hard not to think of the worst case scenarios, tries to keep calm, at least for Louise. "What's happened with Dan?" 

"He got caught in a car crash, there was a drunk driver and I'm at the hospital now and - oh my God, Phil." Louise breaks off into a sob, and Phil clutches his phone, as if it's the only thing left of his sanity. 

"What hospital, Louise." Phil chokes out, and he shouts the name out at the driver as soon as Louise gives it to him. 

As soon as they stop in front of the building, Phil practically throws his payment at the driver, demanding he keep the change as he rushes through the front doors. It's all a blur, how he states Dan's name to the front desk and how he makes it into the waiting room where Louise is, and the next thing Phil knows he's collapsed into a chair beside them and crying silently as Darcy hugs him tight, the little girl knowing exactly what's happening. 

Phil finds himself realizing, afterwards, how Darcy had seen what had happened with Dan unfold in front of her very eyes. She'll be a key witness, along with her mother, if the man who had crashed into Dan would ever be made to pay for his recklessness. 

Phil doesn't know if he can do that to them. 

"It'll be alright, Uncle Phil." Darcy murmurs. "Uncle Dan said he's strong, right? And he loves you." 

Phil only offers a broken smile. If only Darcy knew how much he wanted her to be right. 

After a few hours of waiting, after watching as Dan's family themselves had piled into the waiting room and after letting himself be hugged tight by Dan's parents, trying to comfort each other, a doctor finally walks out into the room and asks for Dan's family to come with him into what Phil assumes is Dan's room. 

And judging by the way Dan's father has to hold his wife close as soon as they had exit and by the way Dan's little brother is crying silently, Phil knows, as soon as he walks into Dan's room after everyone else has left, that this was going to be the last time he saw Dan alive.

The door creaks shut, and Phil offers a shaky smile to Dan, who's trying his very best to look presentable in front of Phil. 

"Replaced me already?" Dan teases, eyes traveling to the bouquet of roses in Phil's hands.

"Never." Phil whispers. "They're for you." 

"Did I forget our anniversary or something? I'd hate to be that sort of boyfriend." Dan groans, albeit weakly - then again, everything about him is weak and fragile at the moment. 

He's trying so hard for Phil, though. Even if he's on his death bed, even if the only reason he's even still alive is because of the machines that are making his body work for him, even if he's hurting all over, he's still trying. Phil can see that, can see the hope in Dan's eyes because he's trying so hard to make Phil smile so that his lasts memories of Dan aren't filled with tears but filled with laughter.

It just makes Phil break down all the more. 

Clumsily, with Dan watching, the bouquet of roses in his hands after Phil had unceremoniously shoved them towards him, Phil brings out the small velvet box, tears streaming down his face as he shakily shows it to Dan. "I was supposed to propose, Dan." he sobs. "Louise and Darcy were supposed to be distracting you, this was supposed to be the night you and I started officially thinking of a future together, a future where we'd have that house we always talked about and that dog and children we'd love with all our heart but my stupid sentimental ass had to go ahead and ruin it because I wanted to surprise you and now - now -" 

"Phil." 

Phil looks up, because he can hear the crack in Dan's voice that he knows he never wants to hear, and there's a shaky smile on Dan's face and tears are falling down his cheeks already.

"I know I talk all the time about how miserable my life was." Dan starts, and Phil tries had not to break down at the fact that Dan's already using the past tense. "But it wasn't, I want you to know it wasn't - and that's because of you." 

"Dan -" 

"Let me finish, you spork." Dan says, and Phil does, content on being silent as he watches Dan's eyes - they've always been the most beautiful eyes Phil has ever seen. 

"I'm so lucky to be that fan you replied to on Twitter, and even more so to be the one you decided to Skype." Dan whispers. "And I don't know how it happened, but I'm so lucky to be the person you fell in love with, Phil Lester. To be the person that you called your boyfriend, to be the person that you trusted with your life, to be the person that you knew was there for you - it's going to be the biggest achievement of my life." 

"Dan." Phil pleads, as if saying Dan's name will be able to keep Dan here, keep Dan alive. 

"And to know that I was the person you wanted to grow old with, that you wanted me to be the father to your children and the person you first see when you wake up in the morning - Phil, thank you so much." 

Dan is crying now, but there's a smile on his face and Phil reaches a hand to cup Dan's face and wipe the tears away, and Phil laughs. "There's still time, you know." he whispers. "If you'll have me, Dan Howell, I would very much like to propose to you." 

"Phil, you could still use this ring on someone else." Dan offers. "You're young, you -" 

"Dan Howell, the moment I laid eyes on you, I immediately knew you were the one for me." Phil starts, not letting Dan cut in. "Right from the very start, I knew I had fallen head over heels for you - but I didn't mind, because falling in love with you is the best decision I will ever make. Being able to see you grow from when I first met you up until now is the best gift anyone can give me, and," Phil pauses, shutting his eyes tight as he forced himself to say the next words, not wanting to leave out any of his original plans, "I'm excited to see you grow even more." 

Phil takes in a deep breath, and looks back up to meet Dan's eyes. "We've had our share of trials in this relationship, but somehow, we always end up back together. And now, I want to ask you this question, because I want us to always be together, until the very end - no matter when that is." 

With this, Phil sees Dan's eyes start to water, tears already trailing down his face already. He's pretty sure he looks the same, but he doesn't care - who cares what they look like when they're supposed to care more about the answer their partner is giving them? 

And because Phil doesn't want to deviate from tradition, he gets down on one knee and looks back up at Dan, a smile on his face as he opens the small box to show Dan the ring, "Daniel James Howell, will you marry me?" 

"Yes." Dan nods, hands shaking and Phil realizes that he's shaking, too. "Yes, Phil, of course, yes." 

Phil stands back up, taking the ring out of the box delicately and smiling at Dan as he slips it onto Dan's finger. "I had the stupid idea to get our anniversary engraved onto our wedding rings." he admits. 

Dan laughs, but both of them can tell it's a weak one. They don't mention it, though. "Yeah, that's a great idea. We'll be like one of those sappy couples that keeps posting pictures of each other on Facebook." 

That's the final straw, and soon Phil is sobbing into Dan's arms, because as much as they use the future tense, even if they are engaged, there's no hope, because it's too late and the only future they have left together is a few more hours, each minute going by faster and faster. 

"It's unfair." Phil sobs, clutching onto Dan, begging to anyone that's listening to spare Dan, because he'll do anything to have Dan by his side. 

"Life is unfair." Dan agrees, and Phil is aware of the way his voice grows weaker, aware that he only has a few more moments left with Dan before he's gone. "But my life has been a great one." 

"I love you, I love you so so much."

"I love you too." Dan whispers, clutching at Phil weakly, and Phil's tears are falling like a waterfall. "I loved you, I love you, and I will love you." 

"I love you." Phil repeats, because it's all he can say, because it's what he wants Dan to last hear Phil say, because Dan needs to know it, Dan needs to hear it. 

And Dan smiles, because he knows what Phil is doing, and he knows he doesn't have much time, and with the only strength he has left, he hugs Phil tight. "This was the most fun I've ever had. I love you. Please don't forget that." 

Phil is aware of Dan kissing him and him kissing back, but he doesn't have time to savor it because in a split second there is the high pitched beep that is the heart monitor telling Phil that Dan's gone, that the person who's in his arms isn't alive anymore. 

Doctors and nurses are rushing in, pulling Dan away from Phil's shaking arms, and Phil watches, stuck to the floor as they try to revive him and although Phil hopes that they're able to revive him, he knows that Dan is gone, that he's no longer the corpse that's lying on the hospital bed desperately trying to be brought back to life. 

It doesn't make it any better when the doctors finally give up, when they murmur to each other and start writing the details of Dan's death, when a nurse comes up to Phil, muttering condolences and watching with sympathy as Phil collapses, sobbing into the cold chair behind him. 

"Time of death?" the doctor mutters, trying to be as quiet as possible for Phil's sake.

Phil still hears the nurse mutter "12:51 PM."

* * *

The grave reads Daniel James Howell-Lester, just like Dan had wanted. People had asked Phil and Dan's family if they wanted a quote along with Dan's name and the dates of his birth and death, but they had all agreed against it. 

Dan had wanted to spend all the time he had with Phil to be for Phil and for Phil alone, so Louise had been the one to receive Dan's phone, where one last video for the Internet resided. 

It was shaky, and Darcy and Louise could obviously be heard crying, but Dan was all smiles, explaining what had happened, thanking his fans for everything, and even ending with a two-fingered salute and a "Goodbye, Internet." like everyone had knew he would. 

As soon as Dan's last video had been uploaded, Phil had disappeared from the Internet as well, stating that he couldn't possibly continue without Dan. He no longer had the motivation or the ability to make people smile with his videos anymore, that much he knew, but Phil kept all their videos up for fans to look back on, so even though Dan wasn't alive anymore, maybe he'd still be able to bring smiles to people's faces. 

In one last gift to their fans, Phil had decided to release every single video that had never been shown to public. He included in bloopers and clips of him and Dan just being domestic - their fans' favorite thing. 

Phil had received the odd question from some fans of whether he was okay, or when he was coming back to YouTube, but for the most part, the fans stayed quiet. Days after Dan's death, they spammed Dan's Twitter and Tumblr with messages telling Dan how much he had been an impact in their lives, even if he couldn't read it himself.

Phil will forever be grateful to them for doing so.

* * *

If Phil squints from where he's standing on top of an abandoned building, he can see Dan's grave, sitting on a hillside. They had chosen the place after deciding they'd rather give Dan a choice to whether he wanted to see the nature behind him or the bustle of the town in front of him.  
Phil wonders if Dan would like that. 

His memories of Dan are fading quickly, quicker than Phil thought they would. He has to watch Dan's videos now to remember what Dan's laugh sounded like, and he finds himself relying on gifs their fans have made to remember the way Dan looked at him. 

And Phil doesn't want that. He wants to spend the last moments of his life remembering who exactly Dan was, what exactly he sounded like whenever he would find that Phil had yet again eaten all his cereal, how he hugged Phil tight whenever he had had a bad day - everything, every little detail that was Dan, Phil never wanted to forget. 

"Did you know you died at exactly 12:51?" Phil says to Dan's grave, even if he's miles away from it. "It's a silly coincidence, remember? That's what you said, but we both loved that stupid time, both looked forward to it every day because we were a sappy lame couple but we loved each other and that was what mattered." 

"Sorry, _love_." Phil corrects himself. "I took English in university but I can't even remember what the present tense of love is. Because I still love you, that's still what matters most. That's still the reason behind everything I do." 

His thoughts go back to how Louise, PJ, and almost everyone else had called him after Dan died, offering to hang out. Phil had known, of course, that they were only doing it because they knew what Phil was capable of doing, knew what he would do because of his love for Dan. 

He wonders for a few seconds how they'd react to him doing this, but then he remembers that they have their own loved ones to hold on to. 

Phil has no one now.

"Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same, Dan." Phil states, glaring now. "Don't you dare tell me that if I was the one who had died you wouldn't have done the same." 

If Phil can concentrate, he can hear Dan pause to contradict him, he can hear that familiar voice state that he's right and a sad smile appears on his face. 

"It's not your fault, okay?" he says, because he's still worried Dan's going to beat himself up for hurting Phil. "This isn't your fault, because I'm the one who can't live without you. I couldn't even imagine life without you, and now that I'm living it - well, you'll forgive me for wanting it to stop." 

Phil watches as clouds lazily roll across the sky, his feet teetering oh so closely to the edge of the building he's standing on. He looks down for a moment, and is glad to see that no one's paid him any attention - he'd hate for one of his fans to witness this. 

"I love you, Dan." he states to the wind, imagining that it's Dan's voice. It only urges him forward, the reminder that if he goes through with this, he'll be able to hear that voice once again. 

One last glance at his watch. He's right on time - the clock displays 12:51 PM. 

One step into nothingness, into the brink of the end. 

Another step. 

Dan's voice is a sweet gift to Phil's ears.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Let it be known that it was so hard to write this fic! I knew I wanted to write angst with one of them dying and one of them committing suicide, but I didn't know how I was to write it, and then boom - my playlist landed on the song [12:51](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OciCJiEWhAU) (which you should listen to, it's amazing).
> 
> I also ran into a bit of trouble because Evernote glitched and the New Year's part of the story suddenly got deleted. Luckily I got in contact with the app and I got it back before I could give up on finishing the fic altogether.
> 
> But I hope you guys like it! I certainly enjoyed writing it! You can also [reblog](http://hamartiahowell.tumblr.com/post/148086217283/synchronicity) or [retweet](http://twitter.com/hamartiahowell) this fic! Leave a kudos and/or comment below to tell me what you guys think, I'll appreciate it!


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